CRYING WOLF with CHRIS MARLTON

Hyundai Bliss LVT v Lexus Armada S

Some cars hum and some cars are fun. Chris Marlton is the resident car enthusiast/reviewer/obsessive/designer/ engineer here at BMA Magazine and he’s gonna tell you which car to buy. You’re an idiot if you ignore his advice (AN IDIOT!).

The car market, especially in Australasia, is undergoing a major change, both from a technological and cultural perspective.

Choosing the right car, and choosing the right time to choose the right car, let alone choosing the right place to choose the right car at the right time, has never been harder to get right.

The Hyundai Bliss is the Korean motor vehicle manufacturer’s first foray into the dream-car market. But can it also be a bit of a nightmare.

Meanwhile, the Lexus Armada is incredibly costly, hard-to-find, and almost impossible to drive. Yet when you’re after time travel, no one has done it better than this Japanese giant.

These two ground breaking automobiles have never been compared in a head to head battle… Until now!

Performance

The Hyundai Bliss is powered by a 3.2 litre, twin-turbo, six-cylinder, 24-valve engine that produces 387kW at 8,500rpm and almost 600Nm of torque.

It’s fast.

Paired with a six-speed heavy-duty manual gearbox (the clutch is, no surprises here, quite resistant), the car delivers extreme acceleration, reaching 100km/h in 3.1 seconds.

The AWD-system gets the power to the 9-inch wide, 19-inch diameter Michelin tyres with very few problems, providing a satisfying experience for the driver.

The Lexus Armada has a Quantum-Core Boron-Reactor (QCBR) in the rear of the vehicle which isn’t measured in kW power. Instead, as a time-machine, the vehicle simply travels forward or backwards in the temporal space instantly.

The Standard-Drive mode, patented by Lexus as Evadrive, removes the need for any kind of additional combustion engine by simulating real driving with 500 time-travels per second at the time and distance required in front of the vehicle to simulate the appearance and feel of real road driving.

As the Armada can reach 100km/h instantly, it tips the balance against the Bliss.

Verdict: Hyundai Bliss 0 – Lexus Armada 1

Spacetime Continuum

The Hyundai Bliss is not able to enter into the spacetime continuum with any noticeable success, due to a lack of hyperspace drives or Quantum reactor.

The Armada’s QCBR easily slides the vehicle in and out of phase and dimension to safely allow for time-travel jumps of up to 720 years at a time. The phase-shifting is required to account for our solar system’s movement in space around the centre of the Milky Way at 720,000km/h.

A clear winner in this round.

Verdict: Hyundai Bliss 0 – Lexus Armada 2

Interior

The Hyundai Bliss has a living botanical interior made up of restored flower petals, also known as Zombie Pourri. The smell is a bit grandmotherly, but still nice, and the touch is delightful. Being surrounded by up to 15 zombie butterflies while you drive sounds like it could become distracting, but it’s actually really lovely. These butterflies have been genetically modified to double as air-bags in the event of a crash.

The Lexus’ interior is all matte copper to allow for the clean passage through space and time. Combined with the mandatory, irritating, cold chain-mail driving uniform, the physical experience of riding in the Lexus Armada leaves a lot to be desired.

The Bliss gets its first point on the board!

Verdict: Hyundai Bliss 1 – Lexus Armada 2

Cost

What price can you place on achieving happiness? Once a philosophical question, Hyundai have answered this with a simple price tag of $525,000+ on road costs.

The Lexus Armada is currently unavailable to purchase without a deposit of $4.8 million. An additional $35 million is required at pickup before you can phase-shift off the lot (government charges not included).

Verdict: Hyundai Bliss 2 – Lexus Armada 2

Comfort

The suspension on the Bliss uses a patented pneumatic shock-system, filled at regular service intervals with happy thoughts and imaginative empathy. Hyundai claim all of these spiritual warmths have been sourced humanely, but are yet to divulge where supplies are from.

Driving in the Lexus Armada for any period of time results in extreme and permanent headaches. Lexus are refusing to release long-term studies on the effects time-travel and phase-shifting can have on the human brain.

It is recommended—nay, demanded—that owners take a heady paracetamol and ibuprofen cocktail before driving. The fact this mix isn’t kind on the stomach gives the Bliss the edge here.

Verdict: Hyundai Bliss 3 – Lexus Armada 2

Existential

The Hyundai Bliss’ main selling point is its ability to reduce all-cause depression and any niggling sadness within 4 – 8 weeks, assuming 40 minutes a day driving time. The Bliss’ comfort, love, and warmth is impossible to describe. But it’s important to know that the entire car interior is rich burgundy; like a nice, red wine.

Lexus have no psychologically beneficial tech in the Armada, with many owners claiming to be suffering manic episodes and blackouts after multiple time-jumps in a single week. The owner manual does advise against this, but has provided very little in the way of firm guidelines. The Lexus spokesperson I asked about this said, “People buy $40 million time machines because they’re already miserable, DON’T BLAME US!”

Verdict: Hyundai Bliss 4 – Lexus Armada 2

Storage

Baggage space in the Bliss is minimal. Despite having quite a spacious cabin in the front and back seats, the rear boot is taken up mostly by the storage tanks that houses dreams and happiness (plus high shocks from the AWD suspension).

The Lexus Armada has infinite storage space. Literally.

Verdict: Hyundai Bliss 4 – Lexus Armada 3

Munitions

Both vehicles have the legally required pair of Dan Wesson DWX under the front seat and a KelTec KS7 in the boot with four-year standard supply of shells. The weapons we tested during our time were all well-oiled and serviced, firing straight and true.

Verdict: Hyundai Bliss 5 – Lexus Armada 4

Fuel Efficiency

The Bliss uses around 25 litres of petrol for every hundred kilometres, when driven hard. This makes it the least fuel efficient car I’ve ever driven. Some experts have suggested that the 3.6 tonne kerb weight of the vehicle may be responsible.

The Armada’s nuclear reactor has enough dialysed boron in the chamber to operate 24-hours a day for approximately 120 years.

Verdict: Hyundai Bliss 5 – Lexus Armada 5

Summary

In the end, these are two very capable vehicles in their own way. Scoring an even 5 points each on our comprehensive test system, we leave it to you, the reader/driver to decide if you prefer to be happy, or to have a time machine.

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Chris Marlton is a comedian, writer, painter, and filmmaker. Tickets for his 14 March Canberra Comedy Festival show are on sale now at www.linktree/ChrisMarlton. Follow @chris.marlton on Instagram, Facebook and on YouTube to see his latest comedy clips.