Comedy in the ACT with Suma Iyer
It’s Virgo season! Which means there’s no better time to darn your trousers, fret about whether you planted your tomatoes too early (you have) or complain about your neighbours at an Owner’s Corp meeting. Fake Spring is around the corner, so it’s time to put your Kathmandu puffer away, with a view to retrieving it in a fortnight.
Sadly, a bunch of planets are going retrograde this month, which include Jupiter, Mercury, Neptune, Timothee, Venus, and that weird looking one. Phew! That’s all the non-loser planets and then some.
But fear not! With my celestial compass as a guide, you can cheerfully navigate, or at least await with crushing inevitability, any and all trials and tribulations coming your way. And to think you get this for free…
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Venus rules love and beauty, natch, but she’s out on smoko for the rest of the month. As such, now is not the time to ask your hairdresser to give you that bleach and tone you crave.
You will anyway. You’re a boss bitch who everyone is scared of.
Do be aware—for the safety of yourself and others—when your locks turn out more brass than platinum (and they will) you will need to lean into a look that includes hats and beanies.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Honesty is not usually difficult for you. The challenge this month is to use tact as well. Can you do that, Taurus? Mmmm? Can you at least try to tell Stephanie from Book Club that the lemon cake she brings is a bit dry WITHOUT becoming an anecdote she takes to therapy about how shit her friends are?
Probs not. Stephanie describes herself as an ‘empath’ but has disliked every book that wasn’t her pick. Maybe send her the link for your scone recipe from taste.com.au – everyone deserves a chance to shine.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Take two Sudafed and go to No Lights No Lycra with Jill from work. But remember: Mercury, that trusty steed of transport and communication, is seeing a man about a dog (possibly yours) this month, so for the love of GOD… don’t get the bus.
Cancer (June 21- July 22)
Think hard before leaving your house. Fake Spring has lulled Canberrans into a false sense of security about the cold weather, and your flat has the spectacular advantage of being not-outside. The cold that is inside is predictable: it is concentrated in the large kitchen box that keeps your perishables and medication for your cat, Darling Hugo.
Although there is that weird cold bit on the landing at the top of the stairs that Hugo stares at from the parapet but will not go near. Why is it so cold there? Why do you shiver every time you pass through it? To what past evil does The Cold Bit on The Landing bear witness?
This month, the long buried truth will finally out…
Leo (July 22 – August 22)
You will ask people whether they’ve heard of Brené Brown, they will say “no”, and you will get to explain her Four Pillars of Leadership in exquisite detail! You will then get to talk about how authentic your leadership style is, and that the key is vulnerability, and shitloads of it. Too much, many might argue, including Brené Brown herself.
People will nod and smile at you genuinely. Be sure to note: Jupiter is on stress leave from 5 September, so after that people might not see your values as clearly as you do. Remember, this is very much Their Problem.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
That lemon cake you bring to Book Club is delightful. Everyone says so. Of course it is! You’re the most experienced baker in the group. By miles. And yet, everyone bangs on about the scones Greg makes. Why? He doesn’t even use pastry flour! And he brings Cottee’s Jam for everyone to put on them. Cottee’s, I ask you!
Ever heard of Strawberry Bonne Maman, Greg? Even AMATEURS know that’s the base standard.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Your period tracking app is not to be trusted this month. If you are a man, this is doubly true.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Your trusty illegal firearm that you have in your toilet cistern will serve you well during the next Reckoning. Cyborgs take at least three shots to go down, and that’s providing you hit their weak points (the lifesaving locations of which you will recall from a previous column).
The only downside? You may have to form an alliance with the man down the hall who smells like burning but has a stash of steel cut oats. Remember to breathe, but not without your C3453 mask if you’re outside.
If you have trouble sleeping, bring to mind Greta’s impossibly blue smiling eyes from that day on the Ferris Wheel; before everything changed.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You absolute reprobate. But then again: dat ass.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Being a Single Plant Dad is tough. You talk to them, sure, but they’re at that age where they’re more interested in their peers than their parents. You feel shut out.
With Neptune having a good hard look at itself this month, now is the time to really try and connect with your Golden Pothos over a nice, steaming cup of liquid fertiliser.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
McDonalds is a restaurant of expediency. It’s the culinary equivalent of getting married after 40. You’re on an interminable trip to an undesired place, it’s getting late, and this may be the best you can do.
You could wait for a wholesome little pie shop to appear on the horizon. Or you could pull over and be double teamed by a cheeseburger and a McChicken right now.
Remember: shame can’t catch you if you drive fast enough.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
The planet Timothee is powdering its nose in the cosmic bathroom. So, take a break from your rigorous schedule of living in smelly trench coats and breathing heavily on public transport and just sit on a bench and sniff the air. Or yourself, if you’re so inclined.
Suma Iyer is a Canberra comic who performs across Australia. To keep up to date with Suma, head to @sumaiyercomedy on Instagram.