Comedy in the ACT with Chris Marlton
Moonshadow: Work, Rest, Play
To mark the occasion of the one hundred year anniversary of humans first landing on Mars, BMA’s Chris Marlton takes a moment to reflect and recall some of the significant events that have occurred over the years.
Yes, I’m being followed by a moonshadow Moonshadow, moonshadow…
“What few people know is that my grandfather, Cat Stevens, wrote that song from the perspective of the planet Mars.” – Stephen Stevens, Head Scientist, Kolonise Mars Mission
Famously quoted now, this original utterance formed the opening lines of Professor Stephens speech, given on Friday, 4 August in 2034, when independently funded and operated Kolonise Mars (K-Mars) launched the space shuttle Clooney VII on its mission to colonise Mars.
Year 2037 – Landing Party
A crew of 72 arrived on Mars on Tuesday, 13 January, 2037. Revolutionary at the tim, the entirety of the Clooney VII space shuttle were descendants of celebrated musicians.
This was essential, following the scientific breakthrough of the century by Netty Petty (grand-daughter of Tom) that musical ability was not only a genetic trait, but the very cells of those with Musical-DNA (known as MDNA) were involuntarily grooving to the songs of the universe.
More importantly, that space is dense with this music. The Van Allen radiation belt enveloping earth can only be traversed by MDNAs without damaging side-effects. So, on 13 January 2037, Co-Captains of the Clooney VII, Melissa Stipe and Lizzy Garfunkel, landed the ship, and claimed the planet as the first K-Mars colony. Life under the domes had begun!
2042 – Second Best Join the Rest
Five years after the initial K-Mars colony was established, a second, much-larger shuttle arrived. This shuttle was carrying terraforming machinery, regenerative and sustainable food capsulators, and hundreds more of the MDNAs that were needed to increase the speed of the K-Mars project.
This second ship was named Double-Blue, after the recently extinct Blue Whale. Its Captain, Tom Santana, was adamant the project would continue to be successful.
“I don’t want to be tone-deaf to the dangers that exist out here in the cold darkness of space, but we’ve got some incredible dancers aboard our ship; literally and metaphorically,” he said.
“We can dance, if we want to. We can dance with, or around, any problems that come our way.”
Not long after their mid-March landing, Tom’s new wife, Lisa Navarro, was named the first mayor of the second settlement of Mars. The settlement was named Paprika (partially due to the red colour of the land, and partially as a nod to the spicy love-life Navarro and Santana enjoyed).
Year 2057 – Mentos
Thursday, 11 October, 2057 marked a momentous occasion when Stella Costello cut the ribbon and turned the switch on the first Roxy Music designed Oxy-gen-gen-generator.
Operating in a minor key with a classic three chord structure— which was also a hit at the molecular level—the machine ensured breathable air on Mars less than three months later.
Dome life was no more!
Year 2064 – Work, Rest and Play
The first liquor licence on Mars was granted on Monday, 23 June, 2064, when Rose Rose and her wife Trina Turner opened the Mars Bar.
Alcohol had, of course, always been a part of the K-Mars colonies, but only under strict rations, along with tooth paste, guitar strings, hair dye, and paracetamol.
By 2064, there were a number of new businesses opening, and the K-Mars society had expanded due to the dome removals stopping the limiting of real-estate.
Mars Bar became the first franchise, and Rose and Trina (R&T Enterprises) became the first M-Wave
Trillionaires. Their most famous cocktail was, of course, the Sweet Grandchild O’ Mine, which Rose named after her grandfather’s sweet old hit.
Year 2077 – A President’s Precedent
Now that businesses and democracy were afoot, the people of the K-Mars colonies were feeling cramped, petitioning and campaigning for self-government.
This was granted in December 2075, and on Thursday, 18 February, 2077, Freya Flowers was voted in as the first President of Mars.
President Flowers declared Mr Brightside as the Mars National Anthem, and immediately passing a law that made it illegal to suggest that it was in any way similar in melody to Dreaming by Blondie or Special K by Placebo.
Year 2104 – Ailing Aliens
Tuesday, 9 December, 2104 saw aliens land on Mars for the first time during the human Mars civilisation.
President Bobby Hisaishi greeted the Khorble-Arc Race with the tradition gifts of a working Linn Sondek LP-12 vinyl record player coupled with a refurbished solid-state amplifier and a pair of Swedish omni directional stereo loudspeakers.
Yherzelle, the leader of the aliens, accepted the gift.
Gradually, the unsurprisingly musical aliens were integrated into K-Mars colony and culture. All was well.
As we soon discovered, they were intergalactic refugees; the last survivors of an Earth-like planet many light-years away that had fallen victim to a rogue mauve hole*.
*for the benefit of our younger readers, a mauve hole has similar properties to that of a black hole, but is distinctive by its more velvety and suave nature.
Year 2118 – Not So Civil
14 short years later, the welcoming of the Khorble-Arc people into colonies was realised to be a grave mistake.
The aliens, once they had built their strength back, led a sonorous attack on the humans, and forced them to leave Mars, claiming it as their own.
Far more advanced than us, the aliens used melodious instruments that rendered the human defences both mute and moot. The human president, Indigo Roach, led the evacuation as the MDNAs retreated back to earth, with tails and tubas tucked between legs.
Truly a dark day in the history of the K-Mars colonies.
Year 2132 – Return to Paradise
Thirteen years later, now equipped with the latest musical discoveries from back on earth, Indigo Mars led
a strike team of crack tenors and saxophonists, along with lots of actual weapons and an extremely large army.
The sheer volume of the human force was too much for the Khorble-Arc people, who, once realising the battle was lost, jettisoned away from Mars to look for another planet to occupy. K-Mars belonged to the humans once more.
As is tradition, let us all raise a toast of Sweet Grandchild O’ Mine to mark this most triumphant occasion.
2137 – Celebrate Good Times… Come On!
Present day: we celebrate the Centenary of human life on Mars. Not without drama, the K-Mars colonisation project has been officially deemed a success.
The Centenary Concert, to be held on Christmas Day, is projected to be the biggest intergalactic music festival humanity has ever seen. The K-Mars population can take stock and relax.
At least until the next alien invasion…
Chris Marlton is a comedian, writer, painter, and film-maker. His comedy special Mephisto Waltz is available to watch for free on YouTube. All upcoming comedy shows are available at www.linktree/ChrisMarlton. Follow @chris.marlton and @laserfirecomedy on Instagram and @ChrisMarltonComedy on Facebook