Crying Wolf with Chris Marlton
No woman has ever understood anything their man has said or done. But fear not, ladies! For BMA Mag’s resident whisper-whisperer, Chris Marlton, can help tame your man with the tried-and-true Dodecahedron of Dedication™!
Has your man become soft, lazy, and uninterested in your womanly ways? A bored man is a wandering man, and the LAST thing you want is to be lonely. The best way to keep a man dancing around your fire of desire is to keep him guessing. Purposeful confusion caused by focused obsession is the perfect way to achieve this. And with these ten scientifically tested ways to behave, he’ll long after you like his life depended on it.
10. APOLLO 6
Rename the bedroom after the third and final unmanned 1968 NASA test flight. Learn extensively about Lunar Module testing equipment and the meaning of CSM-020, AS-502, and SM-017. When your man looks confused when you reference them, quickly accuse him of being a moon-landing conspiracy theorist.
Once he’s been accused of this several times, it’s time to secretly contact all his close friends and convince them that your man has become obsessed with the moon landing being faked by Stanley Kubrick in a Hollywood Studio. Once his friends and family are convinced—ensuring they won’t mention the chat because you’re afraid he’ll react badly—it’s time for the intervention!
Bake lots of cupcakes and cookies, and buy at least 12 boxes of goon. The intervention will be a fun party, but more than that, if you’re brave, you can buy a dress and hire a celebrant to turn it into a surprise wedding!
9. LES MISERABLES
This ninth method is a long game but well worth it. Simply follow these easy steps:
- Pretend to join a netball team that requires you to be away
for two nights a week - Instead of playing netball, learn French
- Concurrent with these lessons, start a program of occasionally
putting films on with the French dub and no subtitles - Memorise the original French version of the Les Misérables
- Slowly replace all of the books in your house with French
translations - Start humming and then sing the French Les Mis songs while
doing housework and during car trips together - Listen to French pop music
- Buy a Peugeot 3008
Once you have learned fluent French, which might take 2-4 years, depending on your aptitude, Phase 2 begins. Start speaking to your man exclusively in French. Eat soufflé, baguettes, good cheese and croissants, and start wearing French braids in your hair.
When your man asks what’s going on, act surprised and refuse to speak English.
You are now ready for Les Mis Method’s crème de la crème: Phase 3.
When he goes to sleep at night, put him into a drug-induced coma and quietly transport him and all your belongings to Aigues-Mortes in the Occitania region of Southern France, where you have pre-arranged for him and yourself to have jobs in the Saltworks, run by the Salins Group [“Nous ressentons de la saumure!”]. Act like you’ve always lived in France and can’t understand his English.
You’ll be shocked and delighted at how quickly your man decides he must be the problem, begins to learn French, and accepts your new exotic life. C’est magnifique!
8. HUNGRY HUNGRY…
Buy a baby male hippo on the dark web from an illegal hippo dealer. Keep the hippo in the bath for 2-3 days. When your man inevitably confronts you about the water equine’s presence, pretend you found him at the shops.
Name the hippo after your man’s father (or grandfather if he has a bad paternal relationship). Complaints about the size, costs, and challenges of keeping a growing hippo in the house should be met with the following statement:
“I know they have the same name, but this is NOT your father. Don’t bring your childhood issues into THIS home!”
Train the hippo to use a very large dog door, which you can install on the wall with the greatest surface area that is not load-bearing; if you live in an apartment block, skip this step. Teach the hippo how to jump rope, insisting that you and your man are at either end, holding the rope. Take the hippo on the road as a circus act and become so incredibly wealthy you’ll never go hungry again.
7. TOAST
Make 200+ pieces of French toast daily and eat them continuously until you throw up or pass out. When your man complains or questions you about this, tell him it’s your body, your choice; this isn’t a decision he gets to be a part of.
6. ‘JEAN ÉTINNE.’
Start saving money. The best way to achieve this is by becoming 76-year-old billionaire and wealthiest person in the world as of May 2024, Bernard Arnault.
Start by investing in a very expensive Bernard Arnault face mask. Insist on wearing the mask while you comfort your man, ensuring you soothe him at least twice daily. Should your man complain about this, scream, “WHAT, YOU DON’T LIKE MONEY!?”
Eventually, save up enough for cosmetic surgery that permanently makes you look like Bernard Arnault. Assassinate the real Bernard Arnault and replace him. Enjoy your billions.
I hope you can sleep at night.
5. CAMINO ISLAND
Start putting photos, pins, and string on the wall of your house as though you’re planning an elaborate heist. Bring your man in on the plan, but say it’s on a ‘need to know basis’ because you want to protect him and his family (mostly his father, whom you also confide in him that you find slightly more attractive physically than you find your man – if he asks about this, shush him seductively and then if required, put on your Bernard Arnault face-mask and comfort him).
All heist plans should be lifted wholesale from the John Grisham novel Camino Island. On the day before the heist, play the audiobook of Camino Island (read by January LaVoy) loudly throughout the house.
When plot points start matching the details of your plan, act angry and demand your man tell who he blabbed to.
If you’re feeling brave, this is also a great time to buy a white dress, hire a celebrant and have a surprise wedding.
4. El CORRER DE LOS TOROS
Repeat the same techniques from method number 9 above, except with the Spanish language and moving to Barcelona instead of Aigues-Mortes. Become a professional bullfighter. Take part in the Running Of The Bulls, but don’t run; instead, turn, face them, fight every bull… and win!
3. AB ARTIFICE SEPARANT
Pretend to join a film study group. Each week, bring home a Kevin Spacey film, which you insist on watching with your man twice, every single night of the week. Speak about Kevin Spacey like Cinephiles used to speak about him during the early 2000s.
If your man complains, tell him he needs to learn to separate the art from the artist.
After watching the entire Spacey filmography, start watching supercuts of the annual Kevin Spacey Christmas Eve videos. Watch these every week, slowing them down 1% with each viewing so your man thinks he’s going mad. At the 15-week mark, turn to your man and say:
“You know what… After contemplation, I can’t separate the art from the artist.”
Confess that the film study group never existed, and go out and buy a wedding dress.
2. SHAVE YOUR HEAD
Start shaving your head. Daily. Nothing will confuse your man more.
When he asks why you are doing it, tell him the hair was dead and dirty, and you want to feel clean.
Offer to shave his head. If he agrees, tell him you want a man, not a mutant, and refuse.
After one year of head shaving, get Roman numerals tattooed onto your head to mark every hairless year. When your man asks you why you are getting Roman numerals on your head, tell him that shaving your head is your Roman Empire.
When he suggests that you’re not using that term or concept correctly, tell him to stop Romansplaining and that you aren’t finding him very Roman-tic lately, wedding dress, etc…
1. THE ROOSTERS
Start religiously following the NRL, supporting the Sydney Roosters. As the season progresses, buy an actual rooster. Have the rooster de-clucked so he doesn’t wake up the neighbourhood. Buy a small Bernard Arnault face mask for the rooster and a rooster-sized wedding dress.
Chris Marlton is a comedian, writer, painter, and filmmaker. See linktree/ ChrisMarlton for links to specials on Youtube, Instagram, Facebook and tickets to live shows.