Crying Wolf with Chris Marlton
Retail Giant to Finally Shut Down 400 Stores Across Australia
Why are these stores being closed? Investigative reporter Chris Marlton delves deep and asks the questions every Australian is wanting an answer to.
McCarthur Anthony Gurble Guntt, also known as MAGG in certain large circles, is a 27-foot-tall, 835 kilogram Mega Man. Often referred to as ‘giant’ by historical literature and Lord Of The Rings fans, Guntt prefers the term Mega-man because:
“It sounds cool, and I liked the old Mega Man games on the original Nintendo and Super Nintendo video game systems back in the ‘80’s and ‘90s,” he told BMA Magazine late last year.
“This was before I got so big that my hands couldn’t hold the controllers, you understand.”
Guntt views the reactions to his recent announcement as a form of prejudice.
“It’s malicious behaviour, sure, but that’s in my nature,” Guntt told BMA Magazine. “Asking someone like me to not behave like this is akin to asking a paraplegic to run in the Olympics. I have a genetic predisposition to cause havoc in and around the societies I inhabit, so that’s exactly what I plan on doing.”
McCarthur Guntt is, of course, referring to the fact that he’s planning to use his immense size and strength to permanently close the doors of four-hundred shops around Australia over the 2024-25 financial year.
“I’m a big man; a Mega-man,” he said during an October 2023 press conference. “So no one can actually stop me doing it.”
It was during this press conference that he outlined his plans to travel across Australia from July 2024 to the end of March 2025, and any shop he doesn’t like the look of, he will close the door of, breaking it in such a ways that it can’t be fixed.
When Guntt was asked if he cared about the business owners: “I’ve completed all the relevant forms, contacted all the relevant authorities, and given enough time for people to evacuate the premises so they don’t get locked inside and die of starvation.
“It’s out of my hands now.”
When told that the forms he provided were not official in regard to Australian Government regulations, Guntt replied, “These are Mega Man forms. I made them myself. I am an authority unto myself, and closing doors on shops I don’t like is something I have decided to do.”
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It is estimated that roughly 3,000 workers will be out of a job once
all 400 stores have had their doors forcibly closed. Outraged workers have been protesting out the front of the giant’s castle since the announcement was made, though his habit of snatching the closest person and snapping their femur has reduced the enthusiasm and size of the demonstrations considerably.
Castle Guntt has now erected a sign out the front saying…
PROTESTERS WILL BE SNAPPED
…with several human tibias hanging by fishing wire from the bottom of the sign.
The Life and Times of a Mega Man
Born in Moree in 1983, McCarthur Guntt had normal-sized parents and attended a normal-size school. His life seemed to be continuing in a normal fashion until his eighth birthday when he began to grow very fast.
By the age of 11 he was 14 feet tall and could smell the blood of Englishmen from up to two kilometres away. At 15, he was banned from all competitive sports for accidentally (on-purpose) permanently injuring the entire opposing team in a basketball game by falling onto their bench during a time-out.
When he was 22 years-old, Guntt got his first job at a Bing Lee in Newcastle. He was the best TV seller the retail store had ever seen, using violent coercion to force customers to buy the most expensive TV available, which he would then carry to their homes and install by removing their roof like it was a dollhouse, and placing the TV inside the house as though he were installing a mouse-wheel in a cage.
After three years working at Bing Lee, Guntt asked for a raise, under the presumption that he was selling 80% of the store’s gross income. He was refused, and a week later he was fired for a breach of the Code Of Conduct when he threw his manager through a window.
It was a month later that the doors of that Bing Lee store were closed in a way that was unable to be undone, with McCarthur Guntt heavily suspected.
Over the following four years, towns and cities where Guntt resided would have the doors of many shops closed, often following run-ins with the giant. For a long time he refused to take responsibility or credit for the violent behaviour.
In 2012, Guntt moved to Hungary for four years to study with other giants, whom he found on the largemanresources.com giant community website.
Upon returning to Australia in 2016, he held a press conference where he claimed responsibility for all of his past retail outlet door closures, citing the nature of Mega-men, and that he had no choice in the matter. He then began to file his unofficial Mega-man documentation and forms with the local councils, a technique he no doubt learned during his time in Europe.
“I would like to say that I’m not doing this to hurt anyone,” declared Guntt in an expose from the February 2024 issue of Women’s Weekly. “But it’s just not true.
“I don’t like people, and I relish their anguish.
“So I’m going to enjoy closing these retail outlet doors, as well as the fighting and violence that will hopefully occur when I clash with the authorities trying to stop me.”
The AFP have issued a statement asking for all Australians to stay out of Guntt’s way, indicating that they’ve asked the Army for assistance in the matter. The Army were quick to issue a statement of their own, that read:
“We don’t want anything to do with giants. We’re not interested. Go away. Go ask the Navy.”
The Navy have refused to comment.
CEO of Jeans West, Jennifer Baker, has warned Guntt that if any of her stores’ doors are closed in the coming year, a swarm of Denim Warriors will be unleashed upon, covering him like an outbreak of particularly pernicious lice.
Guntt, however, has welcomed this.
“I dream of the day that I may fight a thousand denim-clad warriors. And, hopefully, they end me, and put an end the torment of being the largest man alive, and all the pain it has brought me over the past 40-odd years.
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Chris Marlton is a comedian, writer, painter, and film-maker. Follow @chris.marlton on Instagram, Facebook and on YouTube to see his latest comedy clips.