Crying Wolf with Chris Marlton
Nobody is born in a pool. Except for water babies.
The latest studies published by the Australian Financial Review have found that over 90% of all billionaires were born in water births. BMA Magazine’s financial genius, Chris Marlton, is digging up all the mud on how to turn water into financial wine with his latest Piggy Bank Prophecy.
Twenty years ago, the world’s water crisis made getting a good, cold drink of hard (soft) water difficult. Fast forward to 2026, and if you don’t own a dozen Olympic-sized swimming pools, you might as well be drowning.
It’s the modern-day Butterfly Effect, and not the type of butterfly you’re thinking.
Cocoons
There was a time in the not-so-distant past when the most important thing you could do for your unborn baby was ensure they were enrolled in the most exclusive private education institution in town.
Now, it’s swimming lessons.
The best swimming instructors in Australia are currently earning upwards of $80,000 fortnight, teaching the true-blue blue-bloods of our sunburnt country how to stay afloat, both literally and metaphorically, which has proven to be the best way of ensuring they don’t end up liquifying their inherited assets when they spread their beautiful butterfly wings.
The latest trendy Primary Schools have already begun converting classrooms into swimming pools, with half of the day’s lessons to be conducted by Dolphin-Human Hybrid teachers.
Dolph Lundgren, the international spokesman for the DWU (Dolphin Workers’ Union), has requested that all Dolphin- Human Hybrids be paid twice the pay of human teachers.
“We’re not asking for much,” he stated. “Just a place at the table—the hybrid-teacher education table.”
Branches
Highways and byways across our Great Southern Land have been expanded over the past three months… not by length, but by width. An AU$75 billion budget promise made by the newly elected Chlorina Party will ensure that every road in the country has at least two shade-cloth-covered swimming lanes (four on major highways) replacing the now-redundant bicycle lanes of the past.
Prime Minister Mike Wreddle has said:
“We knew when the moon was partially destroyed by an asteroid on Boxing Day 2025 that the earth would become an oval shape and no longer a perfect sphere. The scientific speculation that the circular wheels on push-bikes would no longer function has proven to be accurate, so we took swift and decisive action by putting swimming lanes on the outside of all roads.
This is but the first step in ensuring that our growing population of water babies can get to where they need to.”
The Chrysalis That Popped
Pools prices have sky-rocketed in Australia’s new Capital City of Perth. When the moon was hit by Asteroid 8873-B, the entire eastern coast of Australia was changed forever, making Dubbo a coastal town and the new major shipping port in the region.
The Chlorina Party have put in place a new First Dive for First Time Pool Owners Grant, which gives new pool buyers a one-off payment of $150,000 and 50% off their first 80,000 litres of soft (hard) water. However, young people don’t think it’s enough, with furious pool protests breaking out across Western Australia.
The Pool-Price-Protest Commission (PPPC, or the triple-P C), headed by Jasmina Quench, have decided to drink the pools of the rich as they sneak through the night with crazy straws up to seven metres in length. These crazy straws—colloquially redubbed Freedom Straws—allow the pools to be drunk from outside the fences and, therefore, the property lines of the pool owners. Currently, this practice does not violate any existing laws, though it has been reported as violating PPPC drinkers’ gastric systems.
“We drink cause we wanna!” said Ms Quench in a press conference at the beach yesterday afternoon. “I want a pool, but I can’t afford one, even with the First Dive for First Time Pool Owners Grant.
“These pools cost millions,” she passionately continues. “What’s $150k gonna do for me? I’m just gonna drink pools instead.
“If I can’t have a pool, no one can.”
Ms Quench’s brother, Boris Quench, has drunk the most pool water in the last month and has been diagnosed by the Country’s Head Water Doctor, Dr Ty Purr, as “Hyper-Hydrated.”
Dr Purr, a half-catfish, believes Boris is “three or four pools away from turning into a Human-Whale Hybrid.
“Which isn’t a bad thing,” he quickly adds. “We need more Whale Hybrids to teach at our new Aqua Universities.”
Dolph Lundgren and the DWU have failed to comment on the triple-P C’s behaviour, but they are believed to be funding a significant proportion of their crazy/freedom straw purchases.
Squid City
Four hours east of Perth is Australia’s newest metropolis, Squid City – the spiritual capital of all Octopus and Squid Hybrids in the Southern Hemisphere. A genetically modified clone of deceased comedian Bernie Mac, reborn with octopus legs, has been elected as the Mayor of Squid City and is arranging for secession from the “Driest muthafuckin’ Country I’ve ever seen!”
Mayor Octo-Mac has already shut down all seafood restaurants in the country, and his controversial deals with the Chlorina Party have earned him a fierce reputation in the world of politics, as has his former self’s reputation on the stand-up comedy stage. “I ain’t scared of you” is emblazoned on every jet ski licence plate in Squid City, and we, the financial advice team at BMA Magazine, completely believe it.
Bank It & Tank It
Sushi Andrews—granddaughter of Julie Andrews and the shark from Jaws 2, Bob Sharque is the Managing Director of the WA Water Bank and Water Credit Union (WAWBWCU) and current majority shareholder in the new Federation of Aqua Australia. The WAWBWCU bought almost all the shares available when the Chlorina Party floated our country on the Global Fish Stock Exchange three months ago.
“If you’re not a fish, or a squid, or an octopus, or a water-mammal, or a jellyfish… or a crab or lobster, um… or a waterfowl, or sea snake… or plankton… or ummm… algae of some sort, orrrrr some kinda hybrid of some or all those things I mentioned, then life is gonna become pretty tough over the next decade,” said Mrs Andrews in a press release late last week.
Prime Minister Wreddle is planning a meeting with the WAWBWCU to discuss the possibility of a treaty and a very large and very fun game of Marco Polo.
Chris Marlton is a comedian, writer, painter, and filmmaker. See www.linktree/ChrisMarlton for links to specials on Youtube, Instagram, Facebook and tickets to live shows.