Crying Wolf with Chris Marlton
Eyewitnesses Speak For the First Time!
We know we’re not alone in the universe—or even on a bus (usually). But now we have ROCK HARD evidence that aliens have arrived on Earth and have started communicating with Canberrans, albeit in highly oblique and confusing ways. Chris Marlton, BMA’s lead paranormal and extra-terrestrial investigator (short for investment alligator), has the hot goss on stars, aliens, etc…
Fictional accounts of humans meeting aliens—Star Wars, Star Trek, Space Oddity, and Mac & Me—have thrilled and delighted young and old for tens of thousands of years. Since the 13 January (in the year of our Lord, 2024), Canberra (the nation of our Capital… I mean, the Capital of our nation) has been wholly inundated with dozens of LEGITIMATE UFO and Alien sightings (and citings, am I right, ACT Police – don’t answer that).
I’ve been running around like an absolute clown interviewing all and any Canberrans who’ve had an Up Close and Personal (UCP) Alien encounter. The following is but a small sample, with many more to be found in my new book, Alien, More like The Lien: lots of Aliens in the ACT, which should be out by Xmas.
Tebbie Howard, Age 76, Nicholls
“I was hanging my washing on the old hills hoist in the backyard, and I heard a noise above me,” Tebbie recalls. “It was aliens.”
Tebbie Howard, the illegitimate mother of seven of our former PM, the Hon. John Howard’s bastard sons, and the ACT and Southern Tablelands Wood- Chopping Champion for almost a decade from 1976 to 1984, was the first to witness the influx of aliens to Canberra this year.
She was in the yard, doing her chores—a task she was forced to do after her worker from Beals on Wheels (the new Bradley Beal-funded charity operation that, allegedly, helps older Australians with housework) couldn’t show up, again, after sustaining yet another minor injury—when aliens appeared above her in a giant spacecraft.
“It was 7:45pm in January, so it was still quite light outside,” she compellingly told me. “I was almost finished hanging the clothes, and a rope ladder dangled down from a big wooden spacecraft above me.”
You wouldn’t read about it in years gone by, but apparently, all alien spaceships are made of wood. Sustainable alien wood sourced from alien planets, mind, but wood nonetheless. “They gave me some of that good wood,” said a clearly delighted Tebbie. “This was after I invited them in for a cup of tea and some Nintendo.”
The three Aliens—Grapplot, Yizzle and Warxor—awkwardly climbed down the rope ladder from their flying treehouse of a spaceship and approached Tebbie on that clammy January evening.
The encounter was far from extreme, as the four of them went inside, drank some tea, and ate nine whole packs of Arnott’s Favourites (which Tebbie had stockpiled back in 1999 for Y2K, under advice from John, whom she then saw twice daily for comfort-visits).
They then played Smash Bros. until 4am, at which point Tebbie and Yizzle retired to the guest bedroom to ‘have a lay-down’ for two hours.
The Aliens made their goodbyes and left at 8am. They have been seen returning at least once a fortnight for biscuits, tea and naps ever since.
Angus Timple, Age 24, Watson
“I was up Mount Majura, and in rough shape; I’d had a bad fall off my mountain bike.”
Angus elucidates on his perilous situation.
“I was travelling downhill way too fast, and I fell, snapping my femur, with the freshly sheared bone puncturing my quadriceps and skin as well as piercing my femoral artery.
“It sucked.”
Undoubtedly close to death, the young Mr Timple, not even screaming in pain due to the shock his central nervous system (CNS) was experiencing, was encountered by Aliens. Like Tebbie, a rope ladder dangled down from what looked like a floating treehouse in the sky above him.
“One Alien, Craddlor, climbed down the ladder and then carried me back into his ship, where he performed experimental surgery on my leg with no painkillers,” he explains. “It fuckin’ hurt heaps. Totally fixed my leg, but. And, I was able to ride my bike back down the hill, giving Craddlor a dink on my pegs at the back.”
Upon returning to his apartment on the edge of Watson, Angus introduced Craddlor to his housemates, Ellie and Justin. They all sat and, over the course of three hours, ate four loaves of Tip Top white bread, toasted, with cheap margarine and Vegemite (two large jars finished in one sitting) all while playing Boggle!
The three of them then gave each other handys until 5am, at which point Craddlor’s flying treehouse came down to pick him up. They all shook hands and patted each other on the back for a job well done.
Natasha Harper, Age 44, Condor
“I was watching MasterChef on TenPlay and heard a knock at the door,” Natasha explains. “16 Aliens came inside brandishing Turkish takeaway food. We binged MasterChef and Turkish until I got quite bloated, and then we all sat in my huge spa in the backyard undercover section of my deck.”
Natasha’s brother, Greg, had installed the pool-sized spa in the backyard, illegally, on a poorly built timber deck, for her 35th birthday, a week after her divorce from Timothy Harper was finalised. The Aliens—Miquette, Reewatte, Wooson, Nitte, Loiker, Vaw, Nurp, Cullop, Trem, Trum, Tram, Yiggins, Vorple, Kropp, Moosa and Zag—were also very bloated from the 42-person deluxe Turkish takeaway banquet they had just consumed.
“Greg built me the spa because I was sad about my divorce. Also, it was my birthday,” Tash confirms.
Moosa, the head of the aliens, left a note with Natasha when they left, which read:
“Your spa was nice but structurally unsound. We fixed it with our Alien Magic Science (AMS), so it should be okay. We have replicated a building approval notice from the Territorial Local Government to avoid trouble next week when a surprise inspector arrives because your neighbour Lisa, who is a Narc, ratted on you.
“We have replicated and delivered Lisa a note from her boss instructing her that she is fired, for the purpose of pranking and to educate her on the consequences of Narcing.”
Please contact me, Chris Marlton, via BMA Magazine’s Alien contact email address UCPwithmeChrisMarlton@bmamag.com if aliens come and talk to you, eat your food, or fix your house. In the meantime, look out for treehouses—which we now know are simply UFOs that have crashed into trees—and stock up on Arnott’s biscuits and Vegemite.
Keep Watching The Plys!
Chris Marlton is a comedian, writer, painter, and filmmaker. See www.linktree/ChrisMarlton for links to specials on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook and tickets to live shows.