Every four (five) years we Aussies are blessed (cursed) with an event that takes hold of our hearts and minds, whether we like it or not. Yes, you guessed it, I’m talking about mouse plagues. While many of your neighbours and friends will bemoan this semi-regular cultural impost, you have the chance to be different.
Embrace the chaos.
Adopting a child in Australia can take between 5 to 7 years, which is a logistical nightmare for even the most well-meaning clucksters. However, adopting a mouse takes about 5 to 7 minutes.
Potential parenting was never so easy.
All you need are some humane mousetraps from your local conglomerate hardware chain, a bit of determination, and some cheese. Some people will tell you that a diet of just cheese is bad for mice, and that the whole “mouse-cheese” connection is a myth. They are lying. Feed your new baby the most expensive cheese you can afford. Preferably blue-vein… preferably imported.
Once you’ve got 3 to 4 little mousey-faced tikes in your custody – with bellies full of cheese and a roof over their heads – it’s time to give them names.
Double-barrel surnames are great for mice, as are lordships and similar titles. Names such as Baron Frederick Von Sharp, Duke Michael Meepsworth III, Lady Elissa Monsterton and Duchess Sarah Godhead are a few sweet examples of how much fun you can have.
Take your time, but don’t let it stress you out; naming mice should always be fun. Enjoy yourself.
Mice are the most intelligent mammals on earth (not counting wallabies or frogs), so you’ll find training them to be both rewarding and extremely easy. The more expensive cheese you feed your little Barons and Duchesses, the smarter they will get. But don’t overdo it.
While you hold the cheese, you hold the power. DO NOT LET THEM HAVE FREE REIN OVER YOUR FRIDGE!
Within a few weeks of 7-8 hours a day of training you can teach them to read, understand politics, and start building towards university level mathematics.
Jobs and Certainty
The smarter you let your mice become, the more prone they will be to depression and other forms of mental distress.
To help allay these problems you will need to give your them meaningful and productive jobs, where they have autonomy and a sense of achievement.
My mice usually end up working for fringe political parties and local law firms. Remember, all mice are fascists, so be aware which political parties you get them jobs with. Also, start taxing your mice’ income.
Over time, as your mice breed and your mousociety grows, you will find that some of your population are more suited to athletic achievement than working in an office 9-5 and paying off a mortgage.
These athletic hopefuls will need goals.
Arrange for some of the more organised and motivating mice to become coaches, and have them train the athlete mice in a range of different sporting endeavours. Eventually they’ll be ready for a large scale, formal athletic games; it’s up to you to host a Mouselympics!
Wash Your Hands
Go get a blood test, there’s a good chance your neutrophils (bacteria-fighting white blood cells) are low. You’ve probably got Lymphocytic Choriomeningitis from spending too much time with wild rodents. Common symptoms include fever, reduced appetite, head and muscle ache, nausea and vomiting, which can last from 1 to 3 weeks.
Maybe it’s time to get rid of the mice.
Chris Marlton is a Canberra based comedian, writer, painter, and film-maker. His Canberra Comedy Festival show Mephisto Waltz is on 28-29 September, tickets on sale now via this link.
Chris also runs a monthly stand-up comedy night at The Front in Lyneham. Upcoming standup comedy tickets are available at http://www.linktree.com/3blindmen, and you can follow @threeblindmencomedy on Instagram and @ChrisMarltonComedy on Facebook.