Cricketers are the masters of retiring. No sooner does their form start slipping and the knives appear than they’re up on the press conference podium confidently announcing ‘they know it’s time.’ It’s a good attitude. Get out while you’re on top, or at the very least once your ship is full of holes. Entertainers would do well to follow suit. Here’s a few candidates for those who should seriously take the redundancy package and scram.
THE SIMPSONS
The Simpsons are more than an institution, they’re a member of the family. For the last 20 years they’ve joined us for dinner in Homerlicious instalments, and are responsible for some of the greatest one-liners of all time. (Homer: “I know you can read my thoughts boy: meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow.”) But for the last five years a doomed realisation has set in: we’ve seen the old episodes a hundred times, while most of the new episodes look like they were written by Ralph Wiggum. At first, no-one wanted to say anything out of respect, but with the rise of Family Guy and the Adult Swim roster, it just seems cruel to let The Simpsons go on not aging.
SUGGESTED OUTCOME: Give the episodes a break on Channel Ten so we can stop completely taking them for granted. Re-release the DVDs series by series so they can get the ‘watch back to back’ treatment and reignite our passion for this ground-breakingly clever and relentlessly funny show.
MADONNA
Having first experienced it as a nine year old eating Nutri Grain in front of Rage, I still find Like A Prayer to be the most emotionally rousing and complexly sexual of all pop songs. Similarly, Cherish and Express Yourself are such wonderfully realised recordings that despite the latter channeling the erotic power of females, I still associate it with sun drenched mornings dashing off to Surf Club. Madonna’s career graph looks like her cone bra, full of peaks and troughs. Since then the decline has been rapid, with a JT film clip romp and Britney pash only adding to a new air of desperation. (She’s now dating a 22 year old guy called Jesus?! What’s that rule about half your age plus seven?)
SUGGESTED OUTCOME: If only the entertainment industry was like cricket and Mads could move into commentating. I think she’d do well talking us through the latest Beyonce clip, getting the pen out and analysing her moves. What about a Robbie Williams style foray into classic show tunes?
BERT NEWTON
While I was at Uni Good Morning Australia was the perfect backdrop to breakfast and procrastination. Bert’s trademark innuendos and self-aware cheesiness won over oldies and provided ironic-chic for youngsters. GMA was axed in ‘05, and Channel Nine promised to give the people the Bert they wanted in ‘07, but bafflingly, in a climate where Australia would thrive with a regular tonight show, Bert was trapped at the helm of Family Spewed. Now we’re seeing the dark side of the moonface with the vacuous mess of 20-1. It’s not fair letting Bert go out to pasture when we know what he’s capable of.
SUGGESTED OUTCOME ...
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Cricketers are the masters of retiring. No sooner does their form start slipping and the knives appear than they’re up on the press conference podium confidently announcing ‘they know it’s time.’ It’s a good attitude. Get out while you’re on top, or at the very least once your ship is full of holes. Entertainers would do well to follow suit. Here’s a few candidates for those who should seriously take the redundancy package and scram.
THE SIMPSONS
The Simpsons are more than an institution, they’re a member of the family. For the last 20 years they’ve joined us for dinner in Homerlicious instalments, and are responsible for some of the greatest one-liners of all time. (Homer: “I know you can read my thoughts boy: meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow.”) But for the last five years a doomed realisation has set in: we’ve seen the old episodes a hundred times, while most of the new episodes look like they were written by Ralph Wiggum. At first, no-one wanted to say anything out of respect, but with the rise of Family Guy and the Adult Swim roster, it just seems cruel to let The Simpsons go on not aging.
SUGGESTED OUTCOME: Give the episodes a break on Channel Ten so we can stop completely taking them for granted. Re-release the DVDs series by series so they can get the ‘watch back to back’ treatment and reignite our passion for this ground-breakingly clever and relentlessly funny show.
MADONNA
Having first experienced it as a nine year old eating Nutri Grain in front of Rage, I still find Like A Prayer to be the most emotionally rousing and complexly sexual of all pop songs. Similarly, Cherish and Express Yourself are such wonderfully realised recordings that despite the latter channeling the erotic power of females, I still associate it with sun drenched mornings dashing off to Surf Club. Madonna’s career graph looks like her cone bra, full of peaks and troughs. Since then the decline has been rapid, with a JT film clip romp and Britney pash only adding to a new air of desperation. (She’s now dating a 22 year old guy called Jesus?! What’s that rule about half your age plus seven?)
SUGGESTED OUTCOME: If only the entertainment industry was like cricket and Mads could move into commentating. I think she’d do well talking us through the latest Beyonce clip, getting the pen out and analysing her moves. What about a Robbie Williams style foray into classic show tunes?
BERT NEWTON
While I was at Uni Good Morning Australia was the perfect backdrop to breakfast and procrastination. Bert’s trademark innuendos and self-aware cheesiness won over oldies and provided ironic-chic for youngsters. GMA was axed in ‘05, and Channel Nine promised to give the people the Bert they wanted in ‘07, but bafflingly, in a climate where Australia would thrive with a regular tonight show, Bert was trapped at the helm of Family Spewed. Now we’re seeing the dark side of the moonface with the vacuous mess of 20-1. It’s not fair letting Bert go out to pasture when we know what he’s capable of.
SUGGESTED OUTCOME: To come full circle, I’d like to nominate Bert as Richie Benaud’s replacement as the face of cricket - ‘Caught behind’ would never sound the same again. Failing that, a tonight show Everybody Berts.
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