American spring has the groundhog. The football World Cup had Paul the Octopus. And now - to determine the future of the Australian leadership battle - we have a simulated WWE wrestling match (currently sitting on 100% accuracy). It’s good to have you with us, let’s get on with the show...
‘Ladies and gentleman, welcome back to SmackDown in the Capital, we are coming to you live from the ACT Megadome. I am your host and commentator Allan Sko calling all the action for both this sold out capacity crowd and the millions watching from home. And now it’s finally arrived! The four-way Ladder Match for the ultimate prize... The Prime Minister Championship.
‘As we cross live to the centre we can see the belt suspended some 10ft off the ground in the middle of the ring, gleaming under these hot lights. To recap, whichever competitor is first to scale the ladder and successfully unhook the belt will be crowned the next Prime Minister. The four main competitors all have a history for wanting the strap; we have two former champions and two key contenders and based on the fiery promos we’ve been seeing in the months leading up, we’re in for one hell of a hard-hitting contest.
‘And here comes the first contender; potential challenger for the Liberal leadership Malcolm Turnbull sporting neon blue tights. His entrance music of the Jaws theme is seeing a good portion of this capacity crowd up on their feet and animated. Turnbull is the undeniable underdog here - he’s been adamant about his support of Tony Abbott in the build up - but will he assist Abbott for the win? Or go for it himself? Only time will tell...
‘And now the Goo Goo Dolls’ I’m Still Here erupts through the Megadome and that can only mean one thing... It’s K-Rudd! As always he’s wearing both his trademark moth-eaten Kevin ‘07 T-shirt and that o-so-familiar smug-git grin. A former PM Champion - known by many as PM Punk’d - K-Rudd was shockingly dismissed by a lowblow three years ago and the tension has been bubbling ever since. He’s had several title shots since but hasn’t managed to win back the gold and many are putting their money on this being his final chance before disappearing down to the midcard.
‘Now comes what many call the major threat for tonight, although you wouldn’t think it based on the hostile crowd reaction; Tony Abbott strides down to the ring with wide shoulders and that cocksure strut to the sounds of The Boys Are Back In Town. And one can only assume what the song refers to... He’s decked out in those trademark budgie smugglers that leave very little to the imagination and as he steps into the ring I’m venturing this to be a smart move by the challenger; Turnbull and K-Rudd are inching away from the sight, and such uncomfort in his opponents has gotta give him an advantage.
‘Finally, the reigning champ’s music hits and about 27% of the crowd are going wild! As the familiar strains of D:Ream’s 1994 hit Things Will Only Get Better play, out steps Julia Gillard and she’s wearing a grim but determined face. With no less than three big names vying for her title, the odds are definitely stacked against her. But she’s accompanied to the ring by her faction, The Faceless Men, adorned in their familiar Jason Vorhees masks and many are wondering what role, if any, they will play here.
‘DING-DING-DING... And there’s the bell! We’re under way! As each competitor circles each other the crowd knows it won’t be long before we discover who will come out on top...’
Tune in next issue for the result of this climactic battle...
ALLAN SKO - firstname.lastname@example.org